the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
