There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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