Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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