Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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