I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
