You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
