I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
