my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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