he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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