new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
