In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
