If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
