He had one of those small greek statue penises
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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