I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
