the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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