If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
