dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
