I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
