if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
