Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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