He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I want her autograph on my taint
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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