My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
