Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
