I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Vodka?
Forever.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
