there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
