Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize