Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
