My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
