Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
