Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
