me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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