walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
