All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize