i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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