then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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