I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Where are you guys?
Drunk
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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