omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
