I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
