I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
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