I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
