i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
