So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize