I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
