we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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