I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
