She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
