remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
