Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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