Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
she told me i tasted like america
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
