I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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