u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
