I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
