I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
